Putting it out there

On Thursday 22 October, My Heart’s Content was officially ‘released’. There was no event, as such, but a number of those who supported the Kickstarter campaign and had read pre-release copies, took part in a literary flash mob – a fancy way of saying they shared pictures and encouraging words on social media. It may not have been grand but it was special. It laid down a marker: my first book was officially out there. Now there was the simple matter of bringing it to the attention of potential readers.

When Paul and I decided to set up Liminal Ink and publish my book ourselves, we weren’t without some experience in the area. Paul has a PhD in Publishing and we both have MLitts in Creative Writing. Further, as my book had originally been signed to a publisher, we had a wee bit of insight into how the process worked, and as a former press officer, I had some idea of promotion. However, there were a couple of things we hadn’t factored in: potential difficulties with distribution, and my mum going into hospital.

Undeterred we enlisted some help with promotion and decided that for now, we would handle the distribution ourselves. During a week off from work, fully masked and maintaining an acceptable social distance, we drove around Scotland, delivering books to our Kickstarter supporters. We hadn’t seen most of our friends for at least six months and despite partially obscured faces and muffled voices, being able to stand on a doorstep, or in a garden, or out on the street, and see people in ‘real-life’ was disproportionately exciting and emotional. The ‘you look great, have you done something different with your hair?’ jokes never grew tired; the urge to grab each of them and hold on for a very long time, never lessened.

Our mini-tour reinforced my belief in the value of community. It also reiterated my idea that the book was already a success. Sure the words ‘bestseller list’ and the title of my book were unlikely to feature in the same sentence any time soon (never say never), but the tingle of excitement I felt each time I handed over my book to someone would be hard to be beat, a sensation that would be amplified as people gradually began to give me their feedback. And yes, I do realise that those who didn’t like it would be unlikely to say so, or at least unlikely to say so via an email / phone call / text / WhatsApp message to me, but hey, don’t burst my bubble quite yet.

Back in the world of trying to reach other readers, Paul contacted some of the independent bookshops: a couple took it, others mentioned how they ordered their copies through a certain distributor. We applied to be included with said distributor and sent off our sample copy. It takes up to six weeks to be added to the stock list. If the distributor likes it. And so we wait.

Meantime we keep drip feeding social media. And leaving messages for book shops. Of course I’d love it to find its way into the hands of someone with a larger presence, a louder voice. Someone who, should they like it, could influence others. Act as a champion. At the same time I fight shy of actively seeking to get it to such a person. Why? Well that’s a question with no simple answer.

Perhaps because I love the thought of my book being discovered. Passed on by a friend brimful of my words. The story alive in their enthusiasm. I would be delighted if each person who reads my book would tell one or two others. That they too would like and share it with another. And somewhere along the way, my whisper of a story would become a raised voice and then a shout. On merit.

Or maybe it’s my unease with marketing, which developed during our MLitt, when a well-known literary agent visited to talk to us about the industry side of writing and publishing. One of the main pieces of advice was that writers should always be considering their potential readers, as well as where their book would sit in a bookshop – which genre; under what label. To make it easier for marketing. There was also talk of the ‘elevator pitch’ – the ability to succinctly describe (or sell) your book in the length of time it takes to ride in a lift, although it wasn’t clear how many floors you would be ascending and whether it would call at intermittent ones along the way. I find this element of writing hard. It seems cynical. Contrived. And yet I know that to make a living from writing, it was, and is, sound advice.

At the end of the talk, my perturbed expression attracted the attention of the speaker. I explained my disappointment that writing should be bound by an invisible audience; defined by a slot on an imaginary, commercial bookshelf. My naivety was audible even to myself. But it was more than that. For me, writing constantly evolves. And what I’ve discovered is that even after the book is written, the ‘story’ isn’t fixed.

When I wrote my book, I imagine my elevator pitch was along the lines of ‘firsthand experience of waiting for, and receiving, a new heart. Of what that means in real terms – an insight of how it feels to be suspended between life and death.’ I know, not terribly snappy but you get the gist. And the thing is, it is that. And it isn’t. What I discovered from early feedback is that some readers consider it a love letter: to family and friends; to our amazing NHS; to the kindness of strangers. To Paul. To the human spirit and the will to survive. And it is that too.

So if you do stumble across it, if you read it and like it, tell someone. Share why it moved or challenged or annoyed or fascinated you. What the story means to you. Because whatever you get from it, however you read it, that’s the book it was meant to be.

My Heart’s Content: A Journey to Transplant – available from: Liminalink.com

Almost there

The few weeks since the end of the Kickstarter have been a whirlwind of tweaks, layouts and design decisions. And now it’s all done. The book cover design is finalised, the manuscript is typeset and print ready, and the e-book versions are complete. All that’s left is to send everything to the printer and wait for the book to arrive. The real-life, proper book.

Remember how it felt as a child on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa, body tingled, eyes screwed shut, sleep elusive, willing time to go faster? That’s a fraction of the excitement simmering inside me. My Heart’s Content was a labour of love; an exorcism. It wasn’t my planned first book, nor even my preferred genre. It’s the one I couldn’t not write (double negative intentional and necessary). The end was a long breath out.

The prospect of writing memoir fascinated me – not so much deciding what to include but rather how to present it. When I arrived at the format of a day per chapter (I know, not exactly ground-breaking and yet it took months to get there), it freed me to be more creative with the content. With little experience of biographical writing, I began by reading other memoirs, across many subjects. For several weeks I inhabited the genre: from brain tumours to birds of prey. What struck me was the stylistic crossover between biography and fiction. The weaving of a story around a moment in time. None of the dry, factual text I had imagined but instead a journey into another life, a glimpse of a different world. A revelation.

“There is another side of writing a memoir for which I wasn’t prepared.”

There is another side of writing a memoir for which I wasn’t prepared. The emotional toll. Not the writing, which was almost cathartic, not even the reading of the story over and over, although there were moments where triggered memories were almost too much to bear. What I hadn’t expected was the underlying fear of those unknown readers. People with whom I have no connection, who don’t know my story, who have no vested interest in me and don’t need to be careful with their comments. What if these people don’t like it? Or actively dislike it? If it were fiction, it would still hurt but it wouldn’t be my story. I knew releasing a book into the wild would be tough but this extra dimension …

And yet.

Whatever the readers think, I’m proud of my book. I’m proud of Paul and my friends and family who helped me through my experience. I’m proud of our NHS and the care and dedication of the staff in the transplant unit of the Golden Jubilee Hospital. I’m proud of the team of professionals who proofed, edited, typeset, designed, primped and preened my book ready for its prom night.

My book’s all grown up. Time to make its own way in the world. All I can do now is let it go.

My Heart’s Content is launched on Thursday 22 October. Backers from the Kickstarter campaign will receive their copies as soon as they are ready.

Lucky numbers

Recently I discovered my transplant number. I didn’t know there was such a thing until another friend told me his. Mine is 333, which seems auspicious, though I’m not sure why (apart from the obvious). It means I was the 333rd heart transplant to be performed in Scotland since they began in 1991 in the Glasgow Royal Infirmary. I was the 53rd person to have the operation in the Golden Jubilee hospital, which is also the age I am this year.

All the threes

In general I don’t tend to attach significance to numbers and I often have trouble remembering dates. As for trying to set a date, for a wedding for example, or a book launch, I find it almost impossible. When Paul and I decided to get married we thought there was a very real possibility I would be dead within a few months. The results from the test they perform to make sure you’re suitable for a transplant weren’t looking good. The pressures in my lungs were too high. I didn’t know what that meant exactly but I did know that unless they could reduce them, I would not be eligible.

The test they perform to check the pressures in your lungs is called a right heart catheterisation. It involves threading a catheter through a vein in the right side of your neck. As far as I understand it, the test allows the doctors to observe blood flow through your heart – to see how well, or poorly, your heart is pumping. From my perspective, it involved injecting anaesthetic into my neck, before making a small incision into the vein, in order to insert the catheter. My doctor controlled the catheter via an x-ray image that I too could watch live, should I want to. Most of the time I didn’t.

Luckily those in my medical team were aware of my anxieties (which let’s face it seemed entirely reasonable, given the test involved sharp objects coming into contact with my neck) and would give me a wee bit of midazolam* to calm me down: the equivalent to a double gin and tonic. In combination with the soothing familiarity of the ‘sounds of the eighties’ escaping from radio station in the procedure room, this worked a treat. Most of the time I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift away on memories of vodka-fuelled dancing in village halls in the Highlands. You know that much is true.

Gin and tonic

Over a 10 day period I was pumped full of drugs to try and reduce the pressures in my lungs. In order to be listed for transplant, my medical team had to be sure the high pressures could be reversed. Each time, just before the test, I would breathe as calmly and deeply as I could and will my heart to keep going, to pump a wee bit harder, please. I’m sure it tried its very best. But still the pressures remained high.

Each Friday there is a multi-disciplinary team (MDT) meeting to discuss those in need of a transplant. On Wednesday 4 December, I had another right heart cath (see how fast I slip into the lingo). My pressures were still too high. I was told my case would be discussed at the MDT. And then a nurse sat with me to tell me about other options, were I not to be listed for transplant. I was being prepared for the worst. When Paul arrived to see me later that morning, I asked him to marry me.

For 48 hours I wasn’t sure if I would be given a chance to live or not. My whole body was shaking from the drugs and fear. I wrote all my passwords on a scrap of paper in illegible handwriting ready for Paul, should he need to …

On the morning of Friday 6 December, the young cardiologist who had been the answer to most of my questions, arrived breathless at the foot of my bed. She told me they had decided to list me for an urgent heart transplant. It was 8.20am. The MDT meeting had started at 8am and was still going on. She had sneaked out of the meeting once the decision was made, so I didn’t need to wait a moment longer. It was one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. The man who would be my transplant surgeon later confirmed my listing.

I was added to the urgent transplant list on Monday 9 December. I received my new heart on Christmas Day. Just under a year later, on Saturday 8 November, I married Paul.

These are the dates I don’t forget. Nor will I forget the date my book is finally launched. All I need to do now is decide what date that will be. I’m thinking October. And when I decide, you’ll be among the first to know.

And if anyone ever wants to know my number, it’s 333. 

I might even get it printed on a t-shirt …

*Interesting fact about midazolam, not only does it cause drowsiness and reduce anxiety, it also makes you forget what happens. Even if I did feel pain during the procedure, I wouldn’t have remembered it. 

It also makes me giggle, causes my legs to become colt-like in their unsteadiness and my mouth to betray my intelligence – exactly the effects of a double gin and tonic.

Cheers!

For details of the Kickstarter campaign see: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/myheartscontent/my-hearts-content